Monday, April 8, 2013

On the Annunciation -- a struggle of faith

Well, I am not posting as much as I had desired. A mixture of being lazy and also still struggling with the spiritual side ... more moments of emptiness than the spiritual aha. Yet I continue to work through the things to gain a vision of what was and what can be. I guess I feel I will have some enlightenment or a great spiritual hug. Time, Time and Time. Today we celebrate the Annunciation when Mary had the faith, trust and courage to say YES to God's call to be the Mother of God. It is hard to understand such faith...obviously she was so full of grace and also God was not an afterthought for her. She was so enveloped in the love of God that she did not even have to think twice. The funnel of grace poured from her lips. I can only hope for such faith and openness. The desires of my physical being keep dragging me back to old ways. It is so much easier to just live the comfort of pleasure no matter how little or mundane they might be. Sometimes I give in without even knowing it... certain things have become so routine that they constantly pull me from the divine -- and then I get caught in the rationalization of -- "Oh it's ok.." I will do better next time the voice in my head speaks. My inner soul longs for peace and love -- longs to feel the warmth of LIGHT. Yet, i wander more in the darkness, I do not realize the warmth is there but I will need to take that ultimate leap of faith. The leap that will cause an uncomfortable spark at first but ultimately the peace I want. I am frustrated but never seem to rise above the now. The path is strong for a few days and then the old lazy self takes over. Lord, let me have the faith of your mother...let me live for You and not myself. The journey of running towards you must be constant but I realize in order to run I must learn to love myself. Somewhere in the past few years I have crawled deeper into a loneliness that has taken control. Am I the cause of this -- have I failed to take the actions in order to move from it. I so want peace. I want to turn from as waste of time to a productive time -- not just lay and do nothing at times but to activate the inner grace of faith. It is not just the spiritual side that needs a spark but my total being. Mary walk with me that I might know the inner trust you had of the divine. Hold me so that I am not guided by fear but by grace to find your Son again. You are the ultimate example of faith, let me follow you. Hold me my mother. Amen

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