Monday, April 1, 2013

And so we find...and risk ...

The past year has been one of feeling lost and unloved. Not just on the physical level but also on the spiritual level -- I have been wandering and getting no where. The stress of having my elderly father has added to it as well. It is not so much what he does or doesn't do as it it my own personal worry and at times being over protective. My temper is short and my moods unreal at times. I am glad I can help my father, but feel an obligation to make sure nothing happens to him. He sees my love and concern as being over-protective -- ergo -- the arguments. But more than that it has been a year of wondering who do I really matter to? Is there value to me and what I do. There have been times when I wondered if I even loved myself anymore. I had forgotten how to smile and laugh, the expression on my face has been... I have constantly looked for answers -- long to hear a voice of direction but in reality I know I did not listen when it came. It did not fit into my mold of what was right. And so I wandered and stayed in my own self pity world. There were times that my motivation level was almost zero. I certainly did ok at work but when I came home I fell into a world of hopeless loneliness. I longed and at times I think I begged for companionship -- just to have someone to do things with, to talk, to take a walk to just be crazy if the moment allowed. It has been a year of a lack of inner sunshine and light. I had no real spirituality in action and my prayer life was for all piratical purposes gone. I was a wandering soul getting further and further lost -- then there was the election of Pope Francis -- ok the election of a Pope speaks to you? Rather it was the fact he took the name Francis and the look of love in his eyes. One could see he was a man of faith and truly live his beliefs -- ergo my personal transformation. I had not been to confession for years, never really felt it mattered. Then one recent Friday when I was going into Chicago for a opera with a friend I felt drawn to the Franciscan church in the loop. This was followed by a grouping religious ceremonies and manifestations that re-lite the fire within. No, I am not a perfect person with ferverino but i feel the necessity to have a spiritual balance and for now it it heavily focused in the catholic dimension -- not the laws and rules but rather the message of Francis of Assisi and Pope Francis. The past Holy week has allowed me several opportunities where I once again felt I was in the hands of God and could feel his love, protection and hugs. As I said it has not all been the perfect Bob -- the old way struggles to rise to the surface but I seem to have a magnetic pull to a new belief or maybe its a rebirth of an old belief. I have been to the Benedictine Abbey near me on two occasions near me for unbelievable liturgies that just call one to want more -- it is hard to explain the total atmosphere of the ceremonies. My soul felt at home and a wonderful peace for the first time in many years. Thus, a new journey has begun and I pray I have the grace and strength to continue down the road and the courage to accept the unknown that lies ahead. He is Risen, truly Risen. Amen

No comments:

Post a Comment